my favorite things...aren't things

 

It’s the holidays and Christmas is approaching…so I’m going to get sentimental on you all today. 

This week we’re picking our three favorites. I have a lot of favorites. Favorite champagne: Le Mesnil, favorite pie: peach, favorite book: wait—I can’t answer that because there’s too many! But this year when I think of my favorites, the only thing that comes to mind is what really matters most. And they’re not things. 

My favorites are my family. No matter which direction I’m going, or where I’m hiking off to, I know they’re always behind me. 

My favorites are my friends. The right ones know when I need a call or a friendly message. They know how to pick me up and they’re always down for a bourbon tasting evening. They’re worth more than their weight in gold.

My favorite is my pup, Ullr. Being loved unconditionally is a difficult thing to grasp, especially when your own sense of self worth and success are strained. So having a physical reminder, every day, of that kind of love in the form of a fluffy fur-ball is amazing. 

Those are my favorites. What are yours?

On Professional Jealousy - and Three Ways to Shut It Down

Last weekend I got to visit my lovely writer friend Grace Draven - that's me enjoying the gorgeous trees in Texas hill country - and this weekend my fantastic writer friend Anne Calhoun came to visit me. As a result, I've had about ten days worth of intense writer conversation and am wrung out.

I'm also late with this post because of it. Last week I didn't do one at all, though that was largely because the topic was Flash Fiction and I just don't much like doing those. Flash fiction can be an interesting form, but my fiction-writing energy goes into my current project and I find working on anything other than that feels tangential at best and counter-productive at worst.

I am, however, blessed by having these friends to talk writing with and my well has been refilled to brimming.

And this week's topic is about writing relationships: A Cringeworthy Moment of Professional Jealousy & How You Dealt With It.

One aspect of having friends who are also writers, especially those who write in the same genre, is that competition can rear its inevitable head. It's an unfortunate aspect of the business. Even if we are not competitive by nature, the industry thrusts us into competition with each other. Who wins the award? Who made that Top Ten list? Who got a more lucrative publishing contract? And then there are the "tournaments" that well-meaning readers and bloggers construct to celebrate their favorite books. In many of these, authors are encouraged to recruit votes to get their book to "win" and even to trash-talk "rival" authors and books.

It can all be very difficult. We can intellectually understand that the business is variable, book love is subjective, and all of the fandom is good and goes toward exposure for everyone.

But the truth is that professional jealousy can be a huge problem.

It can kill friendships.

It's happened to me. It's happened to writers I know.

No matter how valiantly we may try to fend off the demons of jealousy, they are insidious and pervasive. Frankly, I would never give the advice not to be jealous or competitive. That's like advising people not to get angry at bad drivers in heavy traffic. Sometimes we can be Zen. Sometimes we lose our shit.

That's being human. And we wouldn't be human if we didn't occasionally note that the other monkey got a great big handful of berries and we didn't.

FOR NO GOOD REASON.

So what would be my cringeworthy moment of professional jealousy? There are so many to choose from. There was the time my crit partner who was querying at the same time as I was got a three-book deal for $30K and I didn't sell my book for two more years and then for no advance. Or when an agent who passed on my book picked someone else's and got her a six-figure deal.

Or every time a Top Ten List features a book in my genre that isn't mine.

Or every time someone recommends another author's book instead of mine.

I mean, I tell you people - I could easily spend every day in the throes of professional jealousy. There are so many opportunities to do so. There are plenty of authors who succumb to this.

And I'd be lying if I didn't admit to you that I sometimes feel it. I also sometimes suggest that other drivers do anatomically impossible actions with the brains they clearly don't have.

The key is not to pretend we don't feel it, but instead to deal productively with that energy.

1. Channel

Jealousy - or covetousness - is wanting what someone else has. Do I want that award, that contract, that spot on the Top Ten List? That's good energy that drives me to improve. I remind myself to channel it into my work to make it better. It's good to want things. It's better to work hard for them.

2. Consider the Big Picture

It's easy to covet that one thing someone else got, but I always ask myself if I'd trade places with them. A lot of times I might want that contract, but I wouldn't want their asshole of a spouse or chronically ill parent. Everyone struggles with their own pain - I make myself consider what that person's burden is, and if I'd take that along with their blessings.

3. Eyes on Your Own Work

This is one of my personal mottoes. Why am I even looking at a list I'm not on, at contract numbers for a sale that isn't mine? I learned it in school and I learn it again every day. I don't need to see how the kids next to me are doing. I have to keep my eyes on my OWN work.

Heavens know, I've got plenty to keep me occupied!

4. Celebrate Others

I'm adding this one after some online conversations, because it's been pointed out to me that I do this, too. Yes - I make a deliberate effort to celebrate the successes of others. By taking that energy and channeling it into joy, I refuse to let jealousy take hold. It becomes easier and easier to feel like when someone else - particularly a friend I love and who loves me in return - triumphs, it's my happiness, too. I'm not sure it's fair to expect anyone to do this automatically, but it's a skill in generosity of spirit that can be deliberately cultivated. Practice, practice, practice!

Don't Be THAT GUY

Once again I find myself in the unenviable position of following Jeffe in a post.

it's unenviable because, frankly, she's really quite right in most cases and she's good at making her point So now I have to find a way to say the same thing differently enough that I sound even a little wise.

Fair enough. Networking is GIGANTIC. It's one of the greatest skills you can learn. And Jeffe is right. It's about having friends and acquaintances and makings are that people think of you favorably.

Want to know what it's not about? It's not about being an ass. It's not about being THAT GUY at conventions. Which guy? The one that whines about how well everyone else is doing. The one who, at panels, as a member of the audience, waits until the questions start to make a fifteen minute long declarative statement that is A) Not relevant to the discussion, b) not a question and/or C) designed solely to inflate said speaker's ego in an attempt to make the panelists look unprofessional. THAT GUY.

It's not about getting drunk and grabby. I once had two separate editors point out to me that the thing I did better than several of the writers at a convention I was attending, was NOT get drunk, NOT get grabby and NOT try to pitch my novels while doing the same.

Networking is not talking smack about other writers, or trying to make them look small in an effort to look better.

I have one writer/editor who, at every convention or social event where we cross paths, likes to tell me publicly about numerous health issues, who likes to DOMINATE conversations that often have nothing at all to do with said individual's wheelhouse of experience, and who on several occasions has suggested that I should recommend their editorial services, despite the fact that I have never employed those very skills.

It's not just me. Several others have made comments.  Here's a hint: A polite "How are you?" is not meant as an invitation to let the world hear your woes in a professional setting. You aren't doing yourself any favors in those situations.

Put another way, networking isn't about what you can get out of a situation. Networking is getting to know your peers and, yes, it's about friendship.

I have many friends in the field. I do not expect anything from them. They do not expect anything from me. Sometimes I've collaborated with them. Sometimes I've let someone know about a "closed" anthology, or had an editor on an anthology ask for suggestions as to who might fit within the parameters of same. Sometimes the favor has been returned.

Sometimes I've made introductions between writers and editors and sometimes others have done the same for me.

The introductions allow something amazing: a chance to not be left in a slush pile. A chance to show an unknown editor what you an do, especially if the editor is friends with or trusts the opinion of the friend who introduces us.

It's about being friendly, professional and courteous. You'd be amazed how being a decent person can come back to you.

You'd be amazed how long it takes people to get past the reputation being THAT GUY can get you, too.

This is NOT how networking is supposed to go.

Is Networking a Meaningless Term?

Every time I hear the term "networking" I get a particular image in my mind.

I see a guy - yes, always a guy - in a cheap suit, standing in a hotel bar and handing out cards. He manages this complex multi-handed tango of holding a half-full lowball glass with clinking ice cubes, shaking hands and palming those cards. "Call me," he says with a bleached-tooth smile. "Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people."

I have no idea where I got this image. Probably it's some conglomeration of scenes from movies and TV shows of the seventies. That cheap suit has a distinctly seventies flair, so that's quite possible.

At any rate, knowing this about me, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I never had a good feeling about "networking." I so did not want to be that guy in the cheap suit with the melting ice cubes and the car-salesman smile.

More... I couldn't be.

I'm no good at being anyone but who I am.

Thus, the short and surface answer to this week's topic, "The Net Worth of Networking," is that it's a big fat zero to me. No - less than that! Negative values there.

HOWEVER,

(and this is a big "however," fully justifying the all caps),

I was totally wrong in this image, wherever it came from.

I finally, through a number of experiences I could probably fill a book with, figured out that I had the concept of networking all backwards. Once I figured out what it's really about, I discovered that networking is a skill beyond price. It's brought value to my life - both professional and personal - that is so high I could never place anything as crass as a dollar value to it.

What is networking really about?

Making friends.

That's it. No business cards needed, no fake smiles and multi-armed handshakes. It's about connecting with other people who are interested in the same things that you are. It's being friendly with people in your profession - being generous with offering them help and being willing to ask for help when we need it.

Here's a little story for you.

When I was at a conference recently, I talked on the phone with a writer friend who hadn't been able to attend. We'll call her Writer Wanda. Wanda had heard from another writer friend that an agent at her agency was interested in representing Writer Wanda. Now, Wanda was uncertain about this step. She'd had some bad experiences with traditional publishing, wasn't sure she wanted an agent in general or this one in particular, etc. We talked pros and cons, then inspiration hit and I checked to see if the agent in question, Agent Annie, let's say, was at the conference. She was, so I offered to stalk Annie and find out what she's like.

Lemme tell you - it was super fun to stalk an agent for someone else!

Plus, I'd signed with an agent a few years before, and had pretty much retired those skills, so I also enjoyed polishing them up again.

Now, like "networking," "agent stalking" can be misinterpreted. This is about making contact, not being creepy.

See the parallels here?

So, I started by asking around. In the hotel bar. Hey - many fictions are rooted in reality. I'd looked up Agent Annie's Twitter bio - and followed her in case she posted that she was hanging out - but it's not always easy to find a real life person from a profile photo. It was lunchtime in the bar, so I wandered about, looking for a likely face. Along the way, I saw many friends I've made over the years. I stopped here and there to chat, asking if anyone knew this agent b+6y sight. None of my friends did, but one was eating with an industry gal who knew her. She described Agent Annie for me and verified she wasn't in sight.

I kept looking in this way throughout the day, but finally caught up with Agent Annie at the Harlequin party that night. (I asked the guardian intern dragons at the door if she was on the invite list and they told me yes, and that she'd already arrived.) At the party, I spotted her thanks to that description, and introduced myself. She said, "Oh, you followed me on Twitter today." I told her my mission, and she suggested we sit to eat cupcakes, have a glass of champagne, and chat.

When I reported back to Writer Wanda, she told me, "Networking is totally your superpower."

And I don't even own a cheap suit.